Loss

        Hi again, been a while since I last updated this blog--life happened to be really bumpy in the past few weeks. I wanted to delve more into my personal life and considering this is meant to be an anonymous blog (with the exception of the couple of friends and my Instagram that happens to be public that I practically forced to read my blog) I think it'll be ok to explain my situation and look for advice of any type as long as I keep the parties involved anonymous. Please don't come after me "parties involved", this isn't throwing shade on you. I swear! 

        I had a friend, "had" because we aren't anymore--this is obvious. We had been friends for about 5-6 years, we clicked in an instant in middle school and had grown closer ever since. We moved homes, coincidentally, at the same time and to the same layout. We went to the same high school, we had/have the same friends, and we even got close with one another's family. The problems only began near the end of grade 10 and at the start of grade 11, at least the tangible ones. I did my best to hold out through what I hoped was a faze in our friendship, however, as time passed by there seemed to be a huge pile up of things that I had deemed to be incomprehensible or just unfair in our friendship. 

        Whatever they may have been doesn't matter now. The end of friendship has been met and the time to recognize that there is no going back to fix what's been lost. But then the new problem arises, the feeling of alienation within the group I had been apart of along with her--I recognize it's foolish to wish to stay with the group while they try to split time evenly between me and said ex-friend like shared custody. This began on terms I wasn't aware of, one day I just couldn't find them at lunch and with the gaping wound from the recently cut off friendship, I just didn't bother trying to go around clinging on to them--the worry that they would find it annoying kept me from finding them. The next day they were back as though they hadn't disappeared without a word the day before. I refrained from bringing it up--the absence of the ex-friend from our common lunch spot gave me the answers I was looking for. It went on like this without anyone coming to me to confirm that that's exactly what was happening. I still didn't bother with prying. 

        I didn't like this set up. I hated being alone. I hate it even if it's for just an hour. I tried bringing up a different set up by communicating with the ex-friend to see if there could be some form of compromise. The only response given was that they were happy with the current situation and would rather not go about it any other way. I can't blame them, but that just meant I was to go along with this situation until the friend group eventually dissipates. I am at terms with the fact that this person doesn't want to be friends, but it is not in me to avoid them or pretend we never knew each other. The fact is that we were so close, my future was built to be friends with them, raise our kids together, and grow old. But the sudden rip away from their behalf, though not completely unexpected, was harsh. It is clear that our mutual friend group is feeling awkward after the shocks of our fallout, but amidst that I feel an odd sense of pull away from them too. I may be paranoid and have a deep fear of being alone, but this is something that has been carried into my nightmares, being left behind to avoid any lingering awkward feelings. And don't get me wrong, I have many friends due to being on the extroverted side of the spectrum, but it's not the same.

        Each person carries something unique within themselves and I refuse to have to lose these amazing people who have come into my life. I don't care about seeming desperate, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I hope things smooth over in due time. 

    Anyways, lots of turmoil has taken place in the past month or so, hence the lack of posts. But I'm back!!!! I understand lots of people may be itching to give advice on how to either get revenge or maybe even rekindle our friendship, but the truth is I have gone through every stage of grief there is and now it's at the stage of lingering in the back of my mind, only surfacing every so often. I have come to terms with the situation, but if your hands still crave to type out any type of advice, all I seek is for how to stop that paranoia. 

Sunny out!